chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with bipolar disorder ›› Princess Lasertron

chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with bipolar disorder

Posted on 21. Jan, 2010 by Princess Lasertron in business, personal

A few months ago I got a question from a reader about living with bipolar disorder:

“You’ve mentioned bipolar disorder. I know you don’t want the blog to be down or sad, but if you were willing I would really like to hear more about how that affects you and how you handle it.”

I saved it for later because it is kind of a heavy topic–not really something for me to answer with just a paragraph. Since that time, I’ve been asked about it on several other occasions by readers (through facebook and formspring). So I have been thinking about my answer and it has been good for me.

Being diagnosed in my teens (about 10 years ago now!) was really a blessing just because it helped answer a lot of questions about why I was struggling so much emotionally. However, in hindsight I also realize how challenging it was being faced in such vulnerable, formative years with a lifetime illness. Being in junior high with bipolar–in the lunch room, in the locker room, sitting behind the cutest boy in school–added so much fogginess, confusion, and frustration to everyday adolescent situations. Sometimes I really don’t know how I came out of it with any semblance of what “normalcy” really is.

I think there is a lot of confusion about the meaning of bipolar disorder, partially because of how we see it represented in popular culture. It is not multiple personality disorder, it is not narcissistic personality disorder, it’s not borderline personality disorder, and it’s not depression. I don’t want to paint with too broad of a brush because there are so many different ways that patients experience the illness. I will point you toward the National Institute of Mental Health for more detailed information.

In any case, the question was “how does bipolar disorder affect you, and how do you handle it?”

I mentioned fogginess, and that is how it is. Thanks to a high degree of stability I have maintained in my environment and “outside” life, it used to be much worse than it is now. There used to often be stretches of days that are to this day totally wiped from my memory. Simple tasks like adding numbers or using the phone had me stumped. I refused to eat. Depression meant suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and I could stay in bed for days. Mania meant wild delusions, hours in the middle of the night spent doing my hair, new packages arriving every day from all the online shopping I did. Now my life is nothing like that.

I have found that the best way for me to overcome my symptoms is to advocate for myself. I couldn’t begin to heal or figure out what worked for me until I stopped denying what was happening to me. I needed to accept that I will always have these problems, and I had to find out what exacerbated them so I could finally help myself. I think that is very key to any possibility of living a normal life with this illness–being willing to rationalize what is “good” behavior, and what actions are bad choices, and having the agency to really work every day to keep your thoughts, your body, your environment, and your behavior totally balanced. To take responsibility.

The absolute reason I am alive today and living as a high-functioning adult with an otherwise normal life is because of my support system. My parents (who advocated for me since I started having trouble in middle school) and my husband (who I met at age 18). Where I am chaotic and distracted, they are predictable and organized. Where I am frustrated and restless, they are calm and rational. Where I represent discord, they represent stability. I am lucky to have them in my life to mitigate drama and show me what normal, happy, rational people are like! I know it can be difficult for them. (BTW, before you ask, that is Fabri-Tac glue that Dave fell asleep playing with.)

I also think that the path I have taken living with bipolar disorder has led me to starting this business. I often say in interviews that I never planned to hold down an 8-5 job, but I never explain that’s because I had so much trouble keeping a “normal” job in the first place. With the instability and unpredictability of my mania and depression, and the horribly numbing effects of medication, it was just impossible to hold down a job. Essentially, my business grew out of the necessity to make a functioning life for myself using skills I knew I had. To make life work for me. I am proud that I thought of a creative solution to that problem, and that I didn’t just become a dependent and give up. I am proud that I am nurturing a career that works within my limitations yet allows me to fully express my talents and strengths.

My life is still chaotic, but now I think it is in a normal way. The hormones I am feeling with this pregnancy have been VERY good–I have been more balanced than ever and I’m mentally aware of that. Sometimes I worry about how giving birth will affect me, whether or not I will have some postpartum struggles as the chemical balance in my brain changes again. That is why I am working so hard now to be able to take time off after she arrives–because deep down, I don’t know what will happen. I can’t imagine a more transforming life change to throw a wrench into my safe, predictable, controlled life.

So that is my long answer. Tomorrow, outfit pictures! The next day, flowers! You still have another day to enter a giveaway for a Valentine’s Day project kit and some fun supplies. And you can still vote for me to win the Shorty Award for design so I can take a fun trip to New York.

Thank you for reading. Although I do most of my work all night in a home studio, or sitting behind a computer, I feel like I have a relationship with you. I think of you as supportive friends. Thank you.

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54 Responses to “chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with bipolar disorder”

Anna

04. Feb, 2010
10:59 pm

You are stunningly, beautifully honest and I so admire you for it! So many people as creative as you have this “gift”. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 40′s. Sure made sense out of a lot of things earlier in my life and the struggles many of my relatives have had. My grandmother, Carrie, had a saying…….”if everyone at the table put their troubles in the middle of the table, you’d always take your own back”. We always seem to know someone who is having more of a struggle than we are. Precious baby girl has a very smart mama and you’re all going to be just fine. I don’t know why, I just feel it’s written on the wind. I can just feel your support system wrapping their arms around you.
Peace on your journey…..
Anna

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Gina

26. Jan, 2010
8:44 pm

Hi Megan, thanks for sharing. My husband is recently starting a business and I’m working in a job, I’m not sure I’m all that cut out for. I have realised more this year than ever before, that life is not always easy or straight forward. Even when the steps to attain a goal seem so clear and simple, there is always something that will throw a spanner in the works – possibly a blessing in disguise. I just want to thank you for sharing such personal insights in your life. It’s inspiring to learn that there is often a light at the end of the tunnel and we just gotta keep looking forward. Thanks again – I’m a great fan.

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The Dreamstress

26. Jan, 2010
8:41 pm

I’m a little late to the discussion, but I’m so glad I found this post. I’m pretty sure I am the person who asked the original question. My sister is bipolar, and struggles hugely. I’m trying to be her support system, so the more I know the better I can help. Certainly seeing you, and how you have made your life work with your strengths and weaknesses, is a huge help.

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just me

26. Jan, 2010
8:19 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. I used to date a man who was, in hindsight, bipolar….he was taking medications for depression but it was clearly not what he needed. I’m so happy you have created such an amazing life for yourself!

The talk of “normal” jobs is interesting; I kind of think it’s a “different kind of normal”.

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jennifer

25. Jan, 2010
5:31 pm

Thank you for sharing that. You are such an inspiration!

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Liz

25. Jan, 2010
9:56 am

I loved your post. I have a relative with bipolar disorder and the road has not been a smooth one. She recently finished several years of biofeedback. For now, things look good, but we’ll see…I am going to email her a link to your blog — I think she’ll get a lot out of it. There’s a great memoir, “bipolar bare” (no caps) on living with bipolar disorder. He talks about what he went with — the depths of the drug addict’s hell, the creative soul’s high, the sexual deviation and how — in the end — he regards his disorder as a gift from god.

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chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with … | Health News

23. Jan, 2010
9:23 am

[...] post: chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with … Share and [...]

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tupoi

23. Jan, 2010
3:45 am

Thanks for sharing this. My father was diagnosed bipolar shortly before my mother died. He’s taken a unique and successful journey to having a satisfying life.

I struggle with many of the same things with my Asperger’s. Your post is right on with the attitude needed. My motto for this year is something my sister said last year: I want to live a life of intent.

I was concerned with something that had happened to my mom after I was born. I told my providers about it during my pregnancies and I was given a support system should concerns arise. We ended up being just fine.:)
Pam

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chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with … | Health News

23. Jan, 2010
12:36 am

[...] the original post: chaos, discord, consistency and support: living my best life with … Share and [...]

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Sarah

22. Jan, 2010
11:09 pm

Thank you for sharing this.

I have depression and anxiety, and it always astounds people when I *want* to talk about it. Because my mother is the same as me and a lot of my friends are also dealing with mental health issues (we seem to unwittingly surround ourselves with people who understand) I’ve always known that talking about it was healthy, but there are so many people who can’t or won’t face their problems, and it makes me sad. Mental illness is one of the things that requires a lot of support, so talking about it and crying about it and confronting it always helps me cope with my black clouds.

I like to think that the more people who reveal their struggles with mental illness, the more people can understand it and support it. It’s like there’s a stigma attached: those who don’t struggle with it often don’t understand why it’s something you can’t just snap out of or move away from.

My biggest problem with my depression, apart from my decision to take medication for it (something I never wanted to do), was to try and get my dad to understand why I felt the way I did, and still do. I’m glad you have such a supportive network around you: I would never have gotten through this at all without craft, reading, my boyfriend and my mum.

Take care xox

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meg duerksen

22. Jan, 2010
9:15 pm

i am so glad you are prepping your mind for post baby.
it can be wonderful and it can be horrible…but being prepared can make a really really big difference.
you are so accomplished miss megan.

and talented.
i can’t wait to meet baby alice.

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Kathryn

22. Jan, 2010
5:00 pm

Thank you for posting this, Megan. You are a brave, wonderful woman. I have dealt with depression for most of my life and was pleasantly surprised when I was pregnant how good I felt. I too, felt like everything kind of leveled out in my body. I was lucky enough to keep that evenness after my son was born, I nursed for over a year and perhaps that helped? I don’t know. But my son is two now and I have not felt the need to go back on medication yet. And I have just found that I am expecting again! I hope my body treats me well again. Congratulations on your success in life. You are a great inspiration to many people.

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Smashy

22. Jan, 2010
4:17 pm

Thank you so much for writing about this! My sister has been struggling with her bipolar since she was diagnosed as a teenager (just after the birth of her son) and she has never been able to hold down a job. She eventually trained as a make-up artist and I will forward this post onto her as inspiration to go back to trying freelance work, and making it right for her. I think this will really help.

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ruth

22. Jan, 2010
4:13 pm

you are awesome.
i thought so before
but i think this cements it

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Kelly

22. Jan, 2010
12:09 pm

What a beautifully honest post. It is so easy to hide our real selves through the protection of our computer screens…this is a great reminder that we are all real people behind the posts we write. So inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

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Jeanelle

22. Jan, 2010
10:20 am

You are very brave to share such a personal issue.

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Anna

22. Jan, 2010
9:42 am

That took some major guts to write! I really hope this doesn’t offend, but ever since reading your first allusion to bipolar a few months back and then your journey with wee Alice, I have been praying that the hormone changes of pregnancy wouldn’t be a harmful thing. I can’t wait to see young Miss Alice’s debut, and if postpartum comes, know that prayers are coming your way, and make sure that awesome support group of yours keeps you away from Tom Cruise My husband and I have adopted two children with different complex physical challenges, and I can only hope that someday they can feel so free and confident as you. Thank you for fear-less-ness!

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Merry WA

22. Jan, 2010
2:51 am

I would like to commend you on your bravery for being so honest with people that you have never met, I am sure that it is through such wonderful role models as yourself that peoples understanding of mental illness grows & in turn also their tolerance. After nursing for many years, I would like to say that those who go on to live a long “normal” life (whatever that really is), all have great support & also insight into thier diagnosis. I wish you all the best, and thanks for brightening up my days!!

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  3:17 am
  
  thank you so much for your kind words and support, and for all that you do for your patients!
  
  Reply to this comment
Kimmykins

22. Jan, 2010
2:12 am

Wow Megan, that is so inspirational!!! I work in mental health care, and your story is proof that your mental health issues don’t have to rule your life, you can rule it!!! So many of my clients think that because they have a diagnosis, it means they have to live their life a certain way, not working and not having social lives, but you are living proof that it doesn’t have to be that way, and to me, reading your blog it seems your life just keeps getting better!!!! you rock!!!

xxxxx

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  3:17 am
  
  thanks kim
  
  Reply to this comment
CaLynn

21. Jan, 2010
11:25 pm

Megan, i adore and admire you so much that you can wear this on your sleeve. The inspiration that is you just keeps getting bigger, sista! Rock on:)

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:16 am
  
  thanks lady
  
  Reply to this comment
Katelin

21. Jan, 2010
10:59 pm

Thankyou, this post made so much sense to me. I don’t have bipolar, but I think that everyone could use some more self-advocacy in their lives. I know I could, because often life gets so out of control and difficult and depressing that its easier just to let it happen and not to try and change things. But that’s not a constructive road to take, and it doesn’t make things better.

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:16 am
  
  that is a good point
  
  Reply to this comment
Sara

21. Jan, 2010
10:09 pm

This was a really interesting entry. I also own my own business and work in a similar way that you do–and the reason for me was my chronic migraine headaches. I can’t hold down a normal job either. It’s good to figure out a way to be functional.

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bell

21. Jan, 2010
9:56 pm

WOW Megan! you keep inspiring me everyday. thanks for sharing this with us. total strangers that admire you and support you. =D

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megan v

21. Jan, 2010
9:30 pm

This was an amazing post, Megan. I give you a lot of credit for being so open and honest here on your blog! I’m sure it was not easy but as you can tell… when you open up… so does everyone else. You’re definitely not alone in your struggle. And for what you’ve done to make your life stable and managable is something to be proud of, for sure!
I have an Aunt with bipolar disorder and I have seen her struggle through ups and downs for many years. She doesn’t have the stability and the creative self-guided career that you have. I have to agree with another commenter and say that I’m proud of you too .

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:16 am
  
  thanks very much megan
  
  Reply to this comment
Sabrina

21. Jan, 2010
9:10 pm

I often read your blog but this post inspired me to comment. You have written about this so bravely and it really touched me. I had absolutely no idea that this was something you were dealing with – the main reason I love reading your posts and seeing your pics is because your life seems so happy and blessed! I am particularly amazed at how you found such a creative solution for your daily work. Your posts will take on an even richer resonance now!

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:20 am
  
  thanks sabrina. yeah I think that people always kind of choose what parts of their life they will show and what parts they will hide–especially when we develop computer-mediated relationships through blogging. etc. my life is great and awesome and I take responsibility and credit for that! but is it easy? no–there is definitely a dark side and I have to take responsibility for that too.
  
  Reply to this comment
honesteagurl

21. Jan, 2010
8:43 pm

I have just been doing THIS “I have found that the best way for me to overcome my symptoms is to advocate for myself. I couldn’t begin to heal or figure out what worked for me until I stopped denying what was happening to me. I needed to accept that I will always have these problems, and I had to find out what exacerbated them so I could finally help myself.” this week.

Went off of my meds last year and so much has happened and i am now finally acknowledging this as what it is. now worrying about dissapointing anyone- instead seeing it as responsible TO acknowledge it and embrace it and start setting boudaries. To work with it instead of against it.

There are indeed stigmas.Gold Star to you for taking a step towards erasing those stigmas by speaking openly and honestly about it. Each time we do that we give a new/different ‘face’ to bipolar that what people have assumed it looks like.

Thank you for this. It was so timely as I am writing my letter to family and friends this week.

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:20 am
  
  thank you for your comment and your story. I hope you continue to heal and live YOUR best life!
  
  Reply to this comment
Karen

21. Jan, 2010
8:03 pm

Thanks for sharing this, Megs! I met you when you were–what? 16, 17 maybe?–and your transformation has truly been amazing to witness. Such an inspiration to see a young woman take charge and truly change her life for the better. Major, major props to you and your incredible support system. You are a very blessed person. <3

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:22 am
  
  thank you karen thank you for being my friend.
  
  Reply to this comment
Jamie

21. Jan, 2010
6:19 pm

You are so right about how important a good support system is. Give your family a big hug! Justin’s dad is bipolar and it is a condition that runs in his family. They were always very secretive and uninformed about the whole thing which led to so many problems. You would be shocked to hear the types of treatments he received. I know that bipolar disorder has caused lots of loss and hurt in their family. I am so glad that you had the support you needed and you have been so successful. Justin’s dad is doing better now but it took a lot of loss and heartbreak to get to that point.

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:21 am
  
  I remember you mentioning that once–I am sure that was very hard for justin growing up. sometimes I feel sick with worry wondering how my children will view me–what horror stories they will have about me. that’s also a huge motivator for me to kind of keep my shit together, just because I want to always be a good example to them.
  
  Reply to this comment
Stephanie

21. Jan, 2010
6:13 pm

Thank you for writing about your experience with bi-polar disorder. I adore reading your blog every day and to know that you have managed to create a good and solid life for yourself and your family gives me so much hope.

My 16 year old step daughter struggles with bi-polar disorder too. Junior high was hell but the last couple years have been much better. She has found some medication that works for her and has accepted that she needs to take it.

It was so good to hear you talk about your struggle with a “normal” job. She is struggling with school. She is so smart and tests so well but can’t handle the day to day classes and home work. I was so sad that she was going to have to leave regular school and switch to independent study. But I think that she will do much better at her own pace.

I plan to share your story with my daughter. Your story shows me that maybe bi-polar folks just need to approach life a different way. What is “normal” anyway? I just want her to be happy!

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:23 am
  
  thanks so much stephanie. I am glad you are so supportive and loving of your step-daughter. I am sure she will appreciate it and love you so much for it. I left high school too my senior year and started taking classes in college–not because I was super smart or anything, but because it was just easier for me to be AWAY from that school. I think that she will flourish at her own pace and also be able to take more control in her life.
  
  Reply to this comment
Sammantha

21. Jan, 2010
6:04 pm

I was really inspired by your post. I was diagnosed with bi-polar about four years ago as an adult and have been struggling for years. Finally it was a reason why things were the way they were, but at the same time it was terrifying because I didn’t know what was going to happen next in my life. It’s really inspiring to see someone who has and will continue to struggle with the disease be as successful as you are. It gives me hope that someday I too can be leading a stable and emotionally fulfilling life doing what I love.

Thanks so much for sharing!

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  22. Jan, 2010
  1:24 am
  
  thank you sam–that means a lot
  
  Reply to this comment
ANAA

21. Jan, 2010
4:40 pm

Megan you are amazing and an inspiration to anyone battling a Mental Health Disorder! They are way more common than anyone is willing to admit or talk about. Success is attainable- you just have to find your path. You definately have! I’m glad you shared- I know that many of your readers will relate in one capacity or another. I know that I do.

Take care!

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- Princess Lasertron
  
  21. Jan, 2010
  4:56 pm
  
  thanks ashley. I really appreciate it I hope we can get together again soon!
  
  Reply to this comment
Kristen

21. Jan, 2010
4:04 pm

This is very inspiring! Thank you for sharing your story.

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Gabe

21. Jan, 2010
4:00 pm

Great post, Megan. Like others who’ve commented it resonated with me as well.

Stef is right, there’s such a stigma around mental illness. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed and started working through my own battle with depression that I started thinking of it less as “I’m broke” but more like “everyone has something wrong, my issue just happens to be an imbalance in my head.”

Some people have bad eye sight. Some can’t hear well. Some have a speech impediment. And others have chemicals that don’t always balance out the way they’re supposed to.

Thanks for being so open about your story here. It’s not something I’m generally comfortable talking about myself, as I’m not sure I’ve ever really mentioned it more than once or twice online.

Know that I love you, and am extremely proud of and happy for you, regardless of how cynical I may come off at times. I look up to you in more ways than you know. Thanks for being my awesome friend.

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  21. Jan, 2010
  4:06 pm
  
  thank you gabe that meant a lot. I love you too!
  
  Reply to this comment
Stef

21. Jan, 2010
3:32 pm

Megan, I commend you on a great post! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so brave. I’ve also been thinking about writing a blog post about my 10-year struggle with depression. There is such a stigma surrounding the term “mental illness” and it can be really difficult for people who have not dealt with (or known someone dealing with) issues like depression to understand. You’ve given me the courage to go forward with writing my post. Thank you! You have set a great example by sharing.

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  21. Jan, 2010
  3:43 pm
  
  For me this kind of felt like “coming out” and although I would never shout it from the rooftops, I hate to think I need to hide it. I think you are right though–there is a stigma and a lot of wrong assumptions and we are in a place to clear some of that up.
  
  Reply to this comment
Jill

21. Jan, 2010
3:22 pm

You truly are an inspiration…

I think its fabulously brave of you to be so open and honest about your life. Maybe if other people took a leaf out of your book**, they’d be more proactive about creating a better life for themselves despite any setbacks that life has dealt them…

**Would you ever think of adding “Write a self-help/inspirational daily thought book” to your goal list?

On another note, this is a poem a found for a friend of mine to cheer her up when she was anxious during her pregnancy… thought you (and Alice) might appreciate it…

A Wish From Baby

I have a little wish for you
for you my mommy-to-be,
this is a way for me to say
thank you for loving me!

I wished upon the twinkling stars
for you , my mommy to know,
that I can already feel
all the love you show!

How you rub your belly
and sing me a sweet song,
and how you ask my daddy
to join in and sing along!

Sometimes it is hard I know
to always do what’s right,
like watching what you eat
to make my future bright!

You’ve already made me happy
my loving mommy-to-be,
you’re not waiting until I’m born
you are already loving me!

You will know my wish came true
when you feel how much I care,
a little wish from baby
with so much love to share!

Copyright 2003
Christine Michaels
http://www.WelcomeBaby.com

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  21. Jan, 2010
  3:41 pm
  
  Thank you for sharing that
  
  Reply to this comment
heather

21. Jan, 2010
2:58 pm

i am 23 & have been working in a mental health treatment facility for two years. the people there have a variety of diagnoses, everyone is every 18, and most of them are around my age. i have family experience with a lot of mental illness, and while my guts are empathetic & compassionate, i have become a teensy bit jaded. i have seen a lot, lot, lot of young people who don’t want to get better, who aren’t willing to try. just to try. and it is refreshing to see someone who has built something so good for themselves, who has utilized the support system they have, who is proving that this disorder is manageable, that stability is mostly maintainable. i am so proud of you.

Reply to this comment
- Princess Lasertron
  
  21. Jan, 2010
  3:41 pm
  
  I know what you mean about people not wanting to try–however sometimes within “the system” I can understand it. For example, I hate the process of finding the right pill–because you inevitably go through 3 or 4 really bad pills that ruin your (and everyone else around you’s) life for a few months because you have to wait a week or so to feel the full effect of the drug and decide it’s not working. So it’s easier to self-medicate, which is really destructive. And for medications…the price, the hassle, the downtime in case it doesn’t work, the lack of motivation to do anything to help yourself— it’s hard to stick with.
  
  I cant put my finger on one thing that motivated me to try to take some responsibility–it may be that I just didn’t want people to know or think I was crazy.
  
  Reply to this comment
Jamie Elizabeth

21. Jan, 2010
2:52 pm

Thank you for sharing this. I almost feel like I could have written it myself. I was also diagnosed during my teen years with bipolar disorder and some how managed to grow into a fully functional adult. I’m pregnant with my first child (due in April and girl) and have been off of my medication since August. I’ve found that my moods have never been more stable and manageable, thanks to these pregnancy hormones. However, I’m also terrified of the plummet once I give birth.

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Renee

21. Jan, 2010
2:32 pm

Bravo. I believe my mother has bi-polar disorder (although she’ll never go to get it checked) and it was a huge struggle growing up. She also is an alcoholic and I never know who I’m going to get on the phone when I call her. Is she high, low, drunk, sober? It’s so great that you have a handle on who you are and who you can surround yourself with to help make you feel “normal” and that is truly amazing. I admire you for so many,many reasons, but this now makes the top of my list. Kudos for being, once again, amazing.

BTW, if I lived closer, I would insist on being your friend.

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