putting things off

I meant to approach today’s radvent theme, “procrastinating,” from a place of encouragement. Like, it’s okay to put things off when you are working so hard all the time! It’s impossible to get everything done, and you have to take care of yourself! Those things are true, but procrastination is also a real frustration and chronic procrastination is rooted in over-functioning and low self-esteem. Although I intended to write positively about the gift of giving yourself permission to just “do it tomorrow,” I ended up delving deeper into my own struggles with procrastination, perfectionism, and how I’ve used it as a coping method.

If you are just joining the radvent series, read my initial post to learn more about the project and feel free to jump in anywhere! You don’t have to do it every day, and you aren’t a failure if you skip a few or don’t have time. It’s all for fun.

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What are you putting off? What bad things would happen if you stopped making excuses and tackled something today?
(Would you do it wrong? Would you fail to meet expectations? Would you have to do it even better next time?)

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I am a very, very, very good procrastinator. Sure, I do a lot of work, I finish a lot of projects, but I tend to put things off until the last minute when I am scrambling under huge pressure to get things done or meet a deadline. I think the reason I put things off is the same reason I work so hard–I’m a perfectionist. I overdo everything. I rehearse scenarios over and over and over in my mind and end up doing nothing (or end up doing something in the most perfect possible way I can visualize). After all, things can’t be imperfect if you don’t do them.

To illustrate my point, tonight we hosted the second party in our “Have This Party” post series here, a modern cocktail party (I’ll get that post up soon, once I upload the pictures). Until the party started, I was actually having a very bad day. I overslept because I was avoiding the stress and responsibility of facing today’s packed schedule (and losing my dog last night didn’t help). I also missed a charity event we hosted at CAMP today called Handmade Help just because I was at home, putzing around, paralyzed by my inability to prioritize what I needed to get done. (Do I go outside and string up lights? Do I drive to CAMP with Alice? Do I leave her at home and trust Dave to get ready for the party AND watch her? Do I make food for the party? Do I finish vacuuming and rearranging furniture? What about the ugly bookshelf–how can I hide it? What will my guests think if there are no cookies? What if there aren’t enough non-alcoholic options? What if my trash cans aren’t emptied? Do I really need to shower? If I skip my shower, how much more will I be able to get done? And on and on and on…) I could have easily done some light cleaning, made a trip to the grocery store, and gone to work in the span of two or three hours with time to spare, but I wasted half of that time pacing around worrying about making everything perfect. Overdoing it. And in the end I just felt like a shitty person for blowing off a charity event, nagging at my husband to clean the “right” way, and in tears over what I thought was an embarassing lack of hors d’ouevres.

When perfectionism becomes a problem, procrastination becomes a problem.” -Dr. Jane Burka

This example is perfect (there I go again) because it reveals the shades of anxiety and self-worth issues that color the procrastination I do every day. I am afraid that if I try my best and it doesn’t work out, I will be perceived as unacceptable in some way. I put off answering e-mail sometimes because I’m afraid that someone will ask me to do something that I can’t actually commit to, and then I will have to struggle to say no. I also have a very “all-or-nothing” attitude–I think that if I only answer a handful of e-mails out of hundreds, I failed the entire task.

I procrastinate doing bridal orders often because I have doubts about the beauty of the final product, or doubts that the customer will like what I made. (Sometimes I have doubts that they will pay me because they will hate the final product!) I have never missed an order, and I never will, but there have been a few times when I was definitely going up until the last minute and overnighting a package because I let my insecurities delay my progress. Deep down, I am very frustrated because I feel that procrastination has prevented me from doing all I am capable of, that my habit of putting things off is keeping me from reaching my potential. And it keeps me from enjoying myself because I feel so much guilt and regret for the time I feel I have wasted.

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Say to yourself, “I am good enough already!” and clear the clouds of unfinished business.

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Coming to these realizations and telling myself that I’m putting unrealistic pressure on myself is the first step.
The second step is ending this entry now, not over-editing, and using the time I’m saving from perfectionism to answer five e-mails and go to sleep early.

xo
meg

Click on the thumbnail below to download a printable .pdf of today’s radvent journaling prompt! Or check out the graphic on Flickr.

Are you writing your own radvent responses in your journal or blog? Feel free to share the link–they are awesome sources of inspiration for everyone!

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Alice napping with my dog of 11 years, Scout. Scout passed away while I was writing this post.

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What is your personal dream? What would happen if your dream came true?

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My mom and I both solve problems, see new possibilities, and are blessed with the Next Big Idea in our dreams. Dreams are very important to me, spiritually–they are like mysterious secrets between my subconscious and waking mind. Unique thoughts that are only told to me. When I was little, I heard an episode of Coast to Coast about lucid dreaming and started practicing those techniques to control, ask questions, and hear answers from my dreams.

Before I go to sleep every night for the last year or so, I have visualized myself in situations that I want to manifest. Giving speeches to ovations and thunderous applause, waiting in the green room on the Martha Stewart Show, walking down a craft store aisle to see a product I designed, seeing Joan Rivers praise a celebrity wearing one of my designs on Fashion Police. Whatever. Maybe it’s narcissistic, but they’re my thoughts and this is my journal, and if visualization and intention doesn’t help people find success, at least it won’t hurt.

My personal dream right now–I have many, but sometimes I like to focus on one at a time–is to develop a relationship with Martha Stewart. I used to just want to be on her show, but now I want to have some kind of deeper connection. I would love to work with her someday, or contribute a product to one of her events, or be consulted as a party planner. A lot of my dreams basically revolve around being regarded as an expert in my field, or receiving some kind of major recognition as an authority in my industry. Why do I want fame so bad? I have kind of always been this way.

If my dream came true, if all of the visualizations and wishing and real work I have done throughout my career came to fruition, I would have a lot more work to do than I do now. But I could probably afford to take more vacations.

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While I was writing this post–after I chose that above graphic–my mom contacted me to tell me that my childhood dog passed away. Nobody saw it coming. It’s 4:58 am now and I am going to take a break from this and spend the rest of the early morning in bed. On my way to dreaming about Scout and visualizing her at peace.

Click on the thumbnail below to download a printable .pdf of today’s radvent journaling prompt! Or check out the graphic on Flickr.

Are you writing your own radvent responses in your journal or blog? Feel free to share the link–they are awesome sources of inspiration for everyone!

xo
meg

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pure love.

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You are loved immensely. You are wrapped up in a big fluffy blanket of love everywhere you go because you deserve it! Make up your own self-affirmations today.

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My self-affirmations…
…I am surrounded by beauty that I have drawn to myself!
…I create with love and joy!
…I am a child of the universe!
…Every day I am becoming the person I always wanted to be.
…I lovingly and gratefully accept all positivity.
…I make a difference in the lives of others.
…I am kicking so much ass!

It’s easy to speak sarcastically, negatively, with self-deprecation, because our minds like to create obstacles out of nothing. Because it’s easier to live in self-doubt than self-love.

Finally, you might like this video of a four-year-old named Jessica pumping herself up in the mirror for 49 glorious seconds one morning. Seeing her enthusiasm and unashamed self-congratulation is the most inspiring display of loving I think I’ve ever seen!

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“Open all your doors and let love in…let love travel out to new places and people you didn’t imagine. Study loving. Learn about it. Fill up your own well, and then share that wealth with others. Practice the deserving of love every day.” -SARK

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I made a collage with Picnik of some of the people I love. I resolve to keep sharing love and spreading love because it feels good, it’s free, I want the people who are most special to me to know it, and I want to surround myself with more amazing people to share love with.

Click on the thumbnail below to download a printable .pdf of today’s radvent journaling prompt! Or check out the graphic on Flickr.

Are you writing your own radvent responses in your journal or blog? Feel free to share the link–they are awesome sources of inspiration for everyone!

xo
meg

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Dear Alice:

Hi pancake. Today you are seven months old. You are so much more fun now than ever–it’s like living with a cool little roommate. A roommate who breastfeeds and tags along everywhere we go.

This is the month that you started eating everything, including your beloved cheerios. I’ve said it before, but I am so relieved that you don’t have the selective eating that I do. I think you are going to have a very manageable diet as you grow up. We love sharing applesauce with nutmeg or cinnamon grated in, nibbling little cheerios from my cereal spoon each morning, and you know how to sip from my water bottle. With dad you share lentils, sweet potatoes, and oatmeal. You love flavors and spices and even use a sippy cup. You want to nurse less these days, but still at night. I’m surprised you haven’t gotten any teeth yet, but they might be coming soon because you’ve been gnawing on everything, you’ve got the red cheeks and drool rash.

Today I was blowing up balloons for a party this weekend and I learned that you are totally freaked out by balloons. You will play with them if I give you one out of nowhere, but if you see me blow one up it’s like the scariest thing you have ever seen. You wail and shake, and your face looks like The Scream. It’s really not becoming. You also hate the sound of shaking a trash bag open, and dogs barking. These fears are new and whenever you are scared, I hold you and cuddle you and once you calm down, we check out the scary thing together and try to learn that it isn’t really that bad after all. Usually you are tentative but you don’t get upset again.

You are not a good napper. That’s all I have to say about that. Non-sleeper. (Like me as a baby.)

Other sweet things that have happened this month:
…Baths in the big girl tub.
…Pulling yourself up to standing with one hand, and letting go for a moment before falling on your fanny (lots of dirty socks)
…No longer falling back on your head
…Crawling on your knees (lots of dirty knees)
…Following us from room to room
…Using a sippy cup, drinking from a straw
…You no longer need to be sucking on something to fall asleep
…Your first library card
…Getting into trash cans
…Responding to your name
…Showing preferences in books

It’s still my mission as a mom to continue developing our intuitive connection and do my best to read your body language and coos to understand what you are telling me. When you want something, are excited about something, afraid, worried, you tell me and if I pay attention to your behavior I can figure it out. I thought about trying to teach you sign language, but we are communicating just fine.

We’re still bedsharing and cloth diapering, and you’re still coming to work with me. We have been sleeping in later lately, till maybe 1 or 2 or 3pm. It’s way too late and I am not happy with this schedule. however, it’s 4:20 am right now and I’m up writing this post so I am not doing a good job changing our habits. You’ve been asleep for a few hours. Tomorrow we are getting up early–around 11am–to go to the doctor and visit grandma, and so that may be the day to reset our sleep schedule and turn in a bit early. I do feel very fortunate to have a schedule that allows me to work with your sleep schedule. I’m glad I’m not committed to an 8am job or have to rush to drop you off with a sitter each morning. It’s a privilege.

This month’s baby talk includes lots of “mum mum mum mum,” “dadadadadada,” “BAH?” and “hoooooooo.” Speaking of “dadada,” he is the love of your life. I have had a lot of projects at work and taken on two new interns, and you are spending a lot of time with him alone. I love how you reach for dad and light up when he gets home from work. He is the Maker of the Baby Food, and it’s his personal mission to introduce you to all that is delicious, everything the earth has to offer for your little taste buds. You and dad share a lot of dinners together, him with a delicious plate of homemade vegan food, and you with little pureed versions, rubber-tipped spoon, and a sippy cup full of water.

You love us both a lot. It’s fun to finally feel really loved by you. To be snuggled and hugged. Oh my little girl. You are my absolute favorite thing, my happiness.

We love you.
mama

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Shalechet (Fallen Leaves) by Menashe Kadishman in the Jewish History Museum in Berlin

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Ask someone you love to show you what inspires them. It’s a great exercise in seeing the world through someone else’s perspective.

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I asked my dad what inspires him because he is so different from me and my mom and my friends and most people I spend time with every day. He is a hard worker, a business owner, and a man of great integrity and sensitivity.

What inspires me?

When I see someone helping another in need. When I see a person struggling to improve their own situation. When I see someone doing what’s right, simply because its the right thing to do.

I’m inspired by those who love and respect people who they haven’t even met. I have a tendency to pre-judge people; that’s a bad habit.

I’m inspired by those who love me despite my faults.

I’m inspired by the beauty, the peace, the strength, the tenacity, and the majesty nature. Nature always finds a way.

I’m inspired by the great accomplishments of men. Who knew we could do that?

I like the simplicity of these thoughts. When I think about what inspires me, it’s always material things, not personal qualities or human accomplishments. It is refreshing to hear that kind of perspective.

my dad and alice

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Ask someone you love what you have done to inspire them.

Be proud of yourself and marvel at how your own little sphere of influence is ever-expanding, completely out of your control.

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I asked my dad what inspires him about me and he said immediately, without hesitation, “You don’t know what you can’t do, so you just do it. You don’t listen to people who say ‘no, you can’t do that.’ People like your parents, for example. You’ve made us very proud by doing all the things we don’t have the courage to do.”

In the last few weeks I’ve really had an itch to redecorate my house. To make matters worse (or better?), it seems like everyone I know is rearranging their spaces (Birdhouse Collectible does it on the daily!). Here are some of my favorite spaces in my inspiration folder right now!

It is my new dream to create a hammock bed! And I am *way* on board with the globe collection trend. Found via Possumbane.

Adding colored paper behind my bookshelves would really lighten my room up. I also love the collections displayed so artfully. Via Say YES! to Hoboken.

Mismatched chairs, creative branch chandelier. Via Possumbane.

Someday I will be brave enough to do this. Found via LIFE Magazine.

Chalkboard, yellow and grey everywhere. Via Mary Ruffle.

My favorite colors. Via Dwell Studio.

Sketchy polka dots in juicy colors! Via Decor8.

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Click on the thumbnail below to download a printable .pdf of today’s radvent journaling prompt! Or check out the graphic on Flickr.

Are you writing your own radvent responses in your journal or blog? Feel free to share the link–they are awesome sources of inspiration for everyone!

xo
meg

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